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Wednesday, April 19, 2017

Stuck in my ADHD world...

 I was diagnosed at 34 yo and up until then my wife would be asking what the hell is wrong with me. Fast forward 12 years and she still seems to think it's how I want to be, how I choose to be. Now that she's left me I'm back on my own in my own mess of a life struggling with ADHD, depression and anxiety. I'm getting through it but I am so stuck in all my feelings and psychic and physical clutter that I can just live in the mess and feel no urge to clean. It feels like I have no inspiration or hope for a better life, so what is the point? Every time I work really hard to get my life together I drain my energy and it just builds up again. I try to commit to things like doing the dishes every night before bed but I am just completely exhausted from having to live like this. 😥. The fact that my soon to be ex sees this as a problem with me, but sees it as a choice I am making, has done nothing but confirm my belief that something is wrong with me. I'm on a med that is helping but there's something I'm missing, either the skills I need to call upon, or to will to live, or the belief that I am worth the effort, when all I seem to face is the worthlessness of my efforts, the false belief that I choose to live like this, and the harrowing attempt at believing I am worth it. 

When I look at my mess I get so overwhelmed that I simply don't care anymore because no matter how hard I've tried to keep up and do the "right" thing, I fail.

Add this to the fact that my kids believe I am choosing this because of their mothers belief that I am, and the fact that my wife's new boyfriend will be coming to town to take my place in our bed, and I'm just completely utterly dismayed at myself and my situation.

Listening to the program the host used the term coming out. It is a lot like that. How will people react?

I am also in the process of coming out, really by my wife outing me to everyone, even though I am still in the questioning phase of my gender identity. 

It's just another "what the hell is wrong with you" moment.

So for me, I have been wondering what is wrong with me my whole life. And even having my own place to explore my questions I am still stuck in my ADHD World.

Regardless of what is true or false, I am struggling to put my life together and hope that my kids will remember that despite my disorganization and distractions that prevent me from completing things, that I am a kind, loving and giving father who has always been there for them despite my challenges.

Thanks for listening. I should have introduced myself when I moved so I could get some insight in what I can do to help me through this and get to a point where I can invite someone over without worrying about what a mess my life is.