ODDly ADDing

Hi there! I'm Maribel I was diagnosed with ADHD as an adult shortly after my son was diagnosed at the age of 7. I do not currently take meds, because I've always been a bit of an OCD high achiever type with lots of energy and an ability to hyperfocus, so I've created a lot of coping techniques without even knowing it! However, the diagnosis does explain my brain's constant chatter and the fact that I only have two speeds, on or off. It has always been weird trying to figure out how I can be "so amazing" one minute and "falling apart" the next and I always thought it was because I was "moody" as my mom put it. I have no sense of direction and get lost going to the same place just because I'll be on autopilot and miss a turn. I can have the productivity of 10 people for a season, then I'll procrastinate for months over a simple email. Ironically, I found out about ADHD because my son was exhibiting symptoms of ODD. It was only in researching Oppositional Defiance (my boy is textbook ODD) that I considered that he was unable (not just unwilling) to have impulse control. I wrote more about my adventures on my blog: oddlyadding.blogspot.com 
Typical, for an ADHDer, I dabble in a lot of things. After 9 years at home with my 3 kids, I'm back to work as a Project Manager for my local library system. I am also a grassroots activist and Operations Director for a non-profit organization called Start School Later, Inc. Having the diagnosis of ADHD allows me to accept myself for what I am, understand and work with my quirks instead of trying to suppress them and live an even happier life

Road Map

I am a single mom. I have 3 kids, my oldest, 10 years, is diagnosed ADHD, OCD, ODD and NOS Mood Disorders. He is an amazing boy and he has taught me so much about life, love, and how to pick battles!
He was born with fists clenched. He stopped eating and drinking from 7-9 months old and started eating again with medication. He was the most colicky and clingy baby I knew. He started talking full sentences by 10 months old and was obsessed with outlets and plants to the point I had to leave the house. He couldn't handle play dates without grabbing kids and pulling hair. In Kinder is where his teacher told me that he stuck out like a sore thumb and was not able to play on his own or with others. Prior to Kinder, it was my parenting style that was the problem, according to most friends and most family. When I tried spanking, he hit back with full aggression and at age 3, told me he's "gonna take that knife, stab you in the heart and twist it Mommy". I had no idea what to do and felt helpless. Our journey started right then with "professionals", diet changes, increased exercise, but my baby was still very unhappy and getting outwardly more aggressive. For the next 3 years, until he was 8, we were passed from therapist to therapist, even still I was following all of the super nanny therapy tactics with a 100% type A personality. My twi little kids and I had enough, our home was bursting at the seams and I had no idea what each and every single moment would look like.  

Until a close friend enlightened me and I realized that I was running a psych ward in my own home with all of the job titles of a whole hospital. Realizing, on top of that, I had to bring my other 2 little babies to work everyday in our psych hospital of a home. I then agreed to try medicine trials, not a very safe thing to do with an already aggressive child. It wasn't until after we tried 12 different medicine trials, a psych ward medicine wash visit, a 6 week day treatment program far from home, a dead family hermit crab, broken spirits, broken objects and a broken family, we found Vyvance. He has been able to control his body the last 2 full years at school but was losing it and was getting older and bigger AND very aggressive after school when medicine wore off. It has been 4 weeks since an anti-anxiety medicine was added. We have a happy, wild, pre-teen at home now. He does Neurofeedback 2 times a week and we have PCIT Training every other week (Parent/Child Interaction Training) and I couldn't be happier!!! We all simply want our kids to live Safe, Happy and Healthy lives. 
I started a support network of families in 2012 called Pediatric Treatment Network. These parents have helped me so much, we have learned together. I no longer felt alone.  
I write Pediatric Parent Plans to provide a road map for other parents that may be looking down a twisted road like mine. It takes a village thankfully. Thank you.

Alison

( Please note thehiddenillness shares opinions and thoughts from others which are solely the thoughts of the author and do not necessarily represent my own.)

Does a SAHM Need ADHD Medication?

Why would a stay at home mom need ADHD medication? I made it through growing up and graduating high school, doing pretty good in college, having 6 beautiful children, and a strong marriage. I feel I have accomplished a lot and so there is that question why do I suddenly need that medication now?

I know why I placed my son on medication because he needed to be able to succeed in school. It was to help him to be patient and able to control his emotions. He needed to be able to focus and help with his responsibilities at home. I wanted him to have confidence in himself and feel good about who he is.

Those are the same reasons why I am taking medication. I use to think once my kids went to school things would be easier but really it has just brought a new stress; homework. I remember hearing once “If you struggled with doing homework as a child what makes you think it will suddenly be easier as an adult?” and this is so true. Not only for me and my personal schooling but lets face it who is the one encouraging and helping our kids get their homework done? The parents. In many cases the mother. If my children are going to succeed in school they need their mother there organized and able to help them.

I need to be patient and stay in control of my emotions. I have 6 children needing me 24-7. They need a stable mom that can listen to their needs and stay calm even when everything feels like it is falling apart. I need to discuss things logically and calmly. Ever hear the saying “If mother isn’t happy then nobody is.” I  also need patience for potty training, discipline, and to listen as they slowly try to sound out a book they don’t know.

I have many responsibilities and they are not getting smaller now but they are growing. Instead of managing my own schedule and time I am suddenly managing a family’s schedule and time. I am expected to keep track of the finances and get everyone paid on time. I am in charge of a lot of paperwork that needs to be done or we can end up not having insurance or getting a negative mark on a credit score. I have to make meals, clean, and do laundry. All these things if not accomplished would take away my family's security and structure that they need and really want.

I want to feel better about myself because my confidence will rub off onto my children and my marriage. I want to know that people can have confidence in me that I will not blurt out an inappropriate comment to my husbands boss, or that I will be able to show up on time to appointments. I would love to say that confidence only comes from within but I know if people are not confident in you it is hard to be confident with yourself.

I believe some of our greatest strengths will come from understanding and accepting our weaknesses.

ADHD Parents Don't Want to Hear...

"I would never medicate my kid"

Never say never, you don't know until you are there. When your kid doesn't understand why he just did that and feels bad because he has impulse control issues. When no punishment matters because they can't control themselves, then they give up on themselves because they fail time and time again. When you watch your childs confidence crumble... you might just medicate…

“People are medicating their child to be a zombie”

I did not medicate my child so he would be a zombie. If anything I have found he was more of a zombie before medication. He was not focused, lacked understanding the world around him, and I could not communicate with him.

"There's nothing wrong with him. You are just expecting him to do better at school than what he's capable of. You should accept that he is average.”

Average I could handle it is being constantly at the bottom struggling to keep up that is the problem.

"People just claim their kid has ADHD so they can medicate them because they're too lazy to parent their child properly."

I guess this is why I have not medicated my other children?

“ADHD is a fake disease”

Sometimes it feels like bigfoot gets more credit!

"Your child can control themselves if they really wanted to."

Can people control depression, bi polar, or autism (to name a few)? No. ADHD is a real illness that is beyond their control.

“He doesn't look like he has ADHD when I see him.”

Well try spending more than an hour with him.

“Back when I was growing up we didn't have that ADHD or ADD.”

Oh you had it, you just had less help and understanding.

"If he wanted to focus, he could do it."

Try telling the person struggling with chronic depression that if they wanted to happy badly enough they could.

"Give him the ADHD meds, problem solved."

Yes sometimes medication can be great for one family but really it can also be horror for another family. There is not always one clear cut answer for every child.

"If people would feed their children only organic whole foods ADHD would no longer exist."  or “Just eliminate gluten/food coloring/sugar out of his diet and he won't need medicine.”

I don’t know why you seem to have this image in your mind that my kid is sitting at home eating sugar by the pound.

"Oh maybe we have ADHD too.”

This feels like a slap in the face that every child struggles with exactly the same things but we are just looking into it too much or can’t handle a ‘normal’ child.

“ADHD is a just placed on boys with too much energy.”

If that was true I would be placing my two year old on a pill.

“Your child is just creative and giving medication is stopping that.”

You're right I hate creativity, I would rather live in a black and white world and stare at the wall.

"I'm sure you understand why your son cannot be around my children"

Actually yes, I do...your ignorance might rub off on my child.

“If his father was home consistently you wouldn't be having the issues with him that you have.”

Yes it is a shame he has to go to work and provide for his family so they can have a home, clothing, and food.

“If you disciplined your child, there wouldn't be such a thing as ADHD!”

Would you be surprised to know my life was full of guilt because of constant lectures and time outs before an ADHD diagnoses.

"You just need to discipline (spank) him more" or "Maybe what he needs is a good smack."

I just have to say there is a difference between discipline and punishment. Spanking is punishment, discipline is teaching them to make good choices, to react in an acceptable way, to allow do-overs, and to place emphasis on the positives, the strengths not point out every little negative thing they do wrong that makes them feel worthless. That takes more work than spanking!

Plus I thought hitting your child was against the law these days.

"I'm gonna pray for him. Have you considered that this behavior might be a spiritual issue?"

Way to make me feel like it's all my fault for being a bad Christian/unfaithful.....prayer is awesome but can't cure a neurological condition!

"There is no way she has ADHD, she's too smart."

Ummm... the diagnosis has nothing to do with intelligence levels!

"He's just being a typical boy."

I guess me, his doctor, and psychologist have no idea what we are talking about.

"He just needs more exercise."

Yeah I have been thinking about buying him a treadmill...

“All she needs is to spend a week with me; then she'd be a different person!"

Lady, if she spent a week with you, YOU would be a different person!

“She's just immature she'll grow out of it.”

So how behind do I let my child get in school while waiting for maturity to kick in?

"If every other student is doing it, he can too. He’s certainly SMART enough, he just needs to get it together!"

Like the "get it together" chats and punishments didn't happen years ago. They obviously didn't work and led us to reaching out and getting the help.

A big thank you to all the parents who helped put this together from A mom's view of ADHD! If there is one we may have missed please share in the comment section!

Things Mothers Don’t Want to Hear

“You are going to miss this.”

People love to say this when you are having a bad day but I don’t care what you say I am not going to miss dirty dishes, scrubbing poop from the floor, fighting, screaming tantrums, piles of laundry, cleaning, and most of all being sick and trying to deal with all of the above.

“Stop working and just enjoy your children”

Although I love the suggestion I have a feeling having only dirty laundry, dishes, bodies, and house will start to catch up to us and I would be turned into social services.

“You look great for having six kids.”

All I hear when people tell me this is yes I do have extra weight but after having six kids they would expect even more fat.

“Oh I understand, I have younger siblings.”

I admit I am guilty of this one. The older sister who babysits and thinks she has the right to empathize with mothers. I am sorry for my years of naivete!

“You do know what causes that don't you?”

Yes I am pregnant again and I am pretty sure I have the logistics figured out by now.

“Mommy wars”

I pretty much hate hearing anything about the mommy wars. You can’t compare apples to oranges. They are both sweet and sour so just pick which fruit you like best and PLEASE don’t go to the orange stand trying to defend apples.

Which ones did I forget? Let me know in the comment section!

(Photo from Marshall Strategy)

ADHD Questionnaire

When finding out if my son had ADHD I had to fill out a simple questionnaire. It is not too bad and pretty simple but there is one question that broke my heart. “Relationship with parents” on a scale of 5 to 1. 5 being problematic and 1 being excellent. I had to answer that very complicated and confusing question with a number. It is a hard thing as a mom to admit you are not the perfect mother and your relationship with your child struggles.

The honest truth is before getting help for my son I was feeling a lot of guilt for our struggle together. Most of our time felt like it was being spent telling him no and putting him in time out. How can you feel happiness when it just feels like a constant battle to get him to understand you and focus. Even when we would try to do fun things my sons emotional instability made it very difficult to enjoy because he could be set off and be sad, screaming, upset and trying to bring him back felt impossible like he fell into a black hole and we could not reach him. More importantly I lacked understanding and patience.

There were good moments too because my son would have the lowest lows but the highest highs. His happiness was contagious but that was also over clouded by the fact that he would not listen to the things I needed him to do, like his homework, or simple tasks.

Communicating was so difficult. I could not break the wall between us and make him understand what I needed. Looking back I now see that he could not break the wall and show me what he needed. We could not understand each other and see the others side. I think we both wanted to so much. I wanted to help him and he wanted to help me. I remember one day seeing it suddenly in those eyes even if quickly the moment where I knew he wanted to do what I wanted. He wanted to succeed. Suddenly it was so clear to me that the way he was is not his choice but something so much bigger than him or I could help and control.

I loved him, I wanted to help him. Yet at the same time I was growing increasingly frustrated with the situation and feeling like all the good moments were being clouded over. Near the end it had me wondering if our family would be better if he was not in it because I could not give him the help he needed.

So how was his relationship with his mother? Not enough joy and happiness. Not where I wanted it to be and I am sure it is not where he wanted it to be. I think this is one of the reasons the doctor when prescribing my son medication said “We are giving him this medication because we feel the advantages will outweigh any side effects.” Maybe some people feel they do not need medicine but I think that is because the advantages don’t outweigh the side effects.

I could fill out that questionnaire again enthusiastically, writing all the improvement I have seen but the one question that would bring me the most joy is I could change that guilty, confusing, sad, and generous 4 into an honest and amazing 1! Not because he is a zombie (which he is not), not because he never gets in trouble (we have our moments), and not because he never makes a mess (have you seen my house?) but because we have fun together, we can talk now, we have more understanding, we have more patience, we have happiness.