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Sunday, April 27, 2014

ADHD: Awesome Car Without Brakes

I am on the road driving and the car is going fast. It is exhilarating and exciting. I start to worry that I might get in trouble so I try to slow down. I realize my breaks are not working and the car only gets faster and faster. I am trying to dodge all of the cars on the busy road filled with people. I can’t make the car stop and I have no idea what I am going to do. Everything is coming at me quickly and all I can do is try to dodge the disasters waiting to happen. How long can I keep this up? I am scared and my anxiety is through the roof. I don’t know what to do…

This is a dream I have had for years and every time I have it I wake up scared and stressed. It feels real and I have to work to calm myself down. Maybe this is why I do not like driving. There are two other versions of this dream. One where I am in the middle of the road with lights coming at me and I can’t feel my legs to move and get out of the way.

The third dream started when I had children. I am letting them drive the car and they cannot control it. They go to fast, crash, or violate a traffic law that makes the cops come to pull us over. I know I am in trouble and try to trade spots with my child before the cop sees who was driving.

I have heard ADHD can feel like a fast car without proper breaks and that is exactly what my dream reminds me of. My life is a fast car with so much to avoid and so much to focus on that it feels out of my control. How do I keep up? How can I make sure to never crash and never fail and when I do fail who will be hurt? Who will be in my car or in the car I can’t miss?

Something is coming at me and I know it is coming but I can’t move out of the way even knowing what to expect. Lastly when will I get in trouble for not taking enough control and letting my kids get away with too much because of my lack of organization. I don’t want anyone to find out that I am not taking control of my life as much as I should be.

I am a brilliant fast car but without the right breaks I am going nowhere fast.

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