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Monday, March 10, 2014

Sex, Drugs, and Rock and Roll (ADHD Story)

     A young woman tells her powerful ADHD story of overcoming insensitive teachers, drugs, sex, and abuse in order to discover ADHD and becoming a strong focused mother who overcomes it all to make a better life for her and her son.  (Warning some material may be inappropriate for children)

            It all began with me being in kindergarten, I didn't want to do my work I just wanted to doodle and draw and be creative. My teacher called my mom and said I needed to be tested for a learning disability. My mom being stubborn said my kid is not stupid and very politely told my teacher off using a few choice words. The next semester the principal said the same thing and again my mom told her off as well.



       
           In first grade I had to go to a special room with kids like me, my mom never signed me up for any IEP or 504 (not sure they were around then) but nevertheless I cried constantly , was told I was "special " which when the teachers would talk amongst one another they blatantly called us stupid . My mom found out and put me in another school. At my new school I loved my teacher, she was nice but I would get in trouble for not doing my work, fidgeting, and staring off into space. Again during a parent teacher meeting they said I needed meds, this time they brought in a counselor , a school nurse , and told my mom how much I will struggle and have been without them . Mom said ‘eff’ you and flipped everyone off.


 I would sit and cry and punch my arms and scream I'm stupid I hate myself. I became very self-destructive at the age of 6. The more I cried the more belt whoops I got and the more switches I had to pick. I barely passed 1st to get to second.


In second grade I came to class to cry and I just didn't care by this time I had been told so many times how stupid I was that I started to give up. My teacher made it worse. She would keep me in the coat closet during lunch, and told me I was not allowed to eat lunch. She said stupid lil boys and girls do not deserve to eat and you have to stay here. While my whole class would leave and I stayed behind. After the 3 day in a row of her doing this my mom showed up with pizza and my teacher would get pissed at my mom and the next day make me sit out on the steps (prefab building) it would be cold and wet and only a lil roof held out the rain.


When my grandparents passed away, I was devastated. I cried and cried and hated school even more (my memaw cokie was the only person who tried helping me with my homework). My teacher would get fed up and just stopped dealing with me, she stopped handing me my school work, and told my mom I was hopeless. I barely passed. My teachers and principals told my parents I needed to be held back. Then they put me in an IEP class. My 3rd grade IEP class was a controlled self-contained room. Meaning I was not allowed to leave unless it was for lunch/ recess or gym and not music/social studies and so on.


My teacher was sweet but a bit of a dingbat who could not control the class. I brought Barbie’s and a backpack full of toys from home and literally set down and used my desk as a Barbie house. Each doll she confiscated lol I grabbed another. And another after the 5th Barbie she caught on and took my backpack away. I just waited till she left the room and picked her lock on her desk and when she came back I was back to playing with Barbie’s. She said honey, you're sweet but I can't teach you. Mom and dad would fight all the time and the true words would come out (my daughter is not stupid! I don't care what that b**** says. No pills or meds.!!!) So I flunked 3rd grade. The 2nd 3rd grade teacher and this time my mom demanded I be out of the IEP class.


 This is the first teacher that got physical with me, I brought toys to class and she trashed them, I dig them out and she hid them. I made toys with whatever I could find. One day she had enough and picked me up by my 9 year old lil arm and drug me out to the hall. Saying to me with her finger in my face “your last teacher could not teach you, and I cannot. You are going to sit in my class until you grow old and never leave. Why can't you pay attention, why do you have to be so stupid?”  She grabbed my other arm and sat me down and said “you stay here until I say you can move.”


Of course each and every parent teacher conference was the same (your kids stupid / she needs pills/ no she's not screw you guys) Somehow I passed but really my teacher told me it was because I was getting too big for the desks (I wasn't, she was just being mean) they more than likely aged me out I was told.


Enter 4th grade. By this time I was DONE with school. I started secretly cutting on my arms, writing I'm stupid and I don't care on my walls , I wanted to die . I was depressed, I hated myself and school and could not wait to be able to legally drop out.


Enter 5th grade - I did not care, I was told I was getting too old to be held back, I knew they would pass me, I knew help from home was none existent. I knew if I pissed my mom or dad off by failing anything I would get my bottom beat with my daddy's belt that was starting to leave bruises, I knew I was stupid, I was counting down the time until I was 16 to be able to drop out and then 2 more years I could run away from home and I would not get in trouble (I did too btw)


My 5th grade teacher was a saint! I never knew what honor roll was and I made it because of her. She listened to me , she cared , she had a diff grade point system and she paid us in “poker chips" each month or semester one I can't remember we used our currency to buy trinkets she would buy from the dollar shop and whatever lil things she had ( junk jewelry) we had a couch in the class, we were allowed to take our shoes off, she sang she danced , we had one day of the week were all we did was lay on our pillows we brought from home and snuggled in and just read ( she encouraged us even if you can't read , look at the pictures and imagine a story that would go with that ) she was my favorite teacher and because of her I fell in love with reading and made it to the honor roll, she held my hand when I cried about math, she told me and was the first teacher to tell me I was NOT stupid . I miss her and think of her often.


Middle school years were fun to say the least. I was hormonal and boy crazy. Got expelled in 7th grade for bringing booze to school, had to go to an alternative school and this is the time I got into being a ‘mansonite’ (beyond obsessed with Marilyn Manson) . Somehow I passed to 8th grade and made it to high school. I was so excited that I was almost 16 and could drop out. I never did work in HS only smoked pot, drank, skipped school and well met my first love. Flunked 9th grade, flunked 10th grade. By this time my mom got fed up and kicked me out my arms were covered in cuts and burns, I was so ready to leave. I thought about suicide a lot but Marilyn Manson said suicide is for the weak. Don't let them get the best of you. I latched on to my boyfriend Got kicked out at 17, saved up money. June the 16th was my b-day and I was 18. July the 2nd I was on an airplane to LA. Lived a life of sex/drugs/and rock and roll. I did meth but it calmed me down. Did coke but it put me to sleep, tried heroin but it made me sick and pot just made me paranoid. After several friends started dying off of drug overdose I stopped and quit it all. Became involved in dominatrix and eventually I became a stripper, then was attacked one night on the subway after some guy followed me. Got cleaned up and ended up getting a job as a barista.
            Fast forward to 2008 I had my son and I just married his dad an abusive psycho rich boy (think Patrick Bateman from American psycho) well I decided I wanted to go to school, get my driver’s license, and so on. Well he didn't like that, I did and 2 black eyes and a busted lip later I came back to him since I had nowhere to go (mom was and still is homeless living out of her car and dad is just as bad) . Well, our son started school and he ended up getting kicked out, I somehow managed to pass my GED, get my license, and take care of my son and try to keep it together.


At this point my son now gets on meds and I as well! I actually cried when I got on Adderall it was like they turned a light on in my brain. A week after me getting on meds my sons school said we think he may need meds. In an instant we both were on meds. I stepped back and looked around and said oh no I'm done! My husband choked me out one last time. I came to and said I don't need this and neither does my son. I grabbed my son, and held him. And I looked into his big blue tear filled eyes and I said “no more okay” . The next day I packed out meds, school stuff, and some clothes. I left his a**! Put a protective order on him and filed for divorce.


I started my own business of soap making (HoneyFrogs) and moved in with my sister. I had to drop out of college and get a job, I used what lil financial aid money I had to buy my first car and got a job at a packaging plant. We have a lil 2 bedroom apt, I'm barely making it and it’s been since September that I've had my meds. I can't afford a bed yet so I sleep on an air mattress, I make .25 cents too much to get food stamps all my money goes to bills, rent, gas, and an occasional day out (tonight I took my son to my favorite Asian buffet they have amazing sushi) I don't have friends really, I get along with my bro and sis and sometimes my mom. I work my butt off and break my back, but it's all worth it to know my lil boy is happy, spoiled, safe, warm, fed and sleeping in the next room. I may be blue collar and sleep on the floor but my son is fed and has his own room and his own bed.


 Anyhow thanks for listening to my story. I want to spread the word and was taking psychology classes to be a school counselor to help kids and teach them they are not stupid but that they are special.



I appreciate the honesty this brave woman was able to offer and a harsh look at the reality that many people face with ADHD. Would you like to share your story? Please e-mail me @ lles86@hotmail.com and as always if you see anything you like please share.

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Our ADHD Story is a place where people can share their stories, thoughts, and feelings about ADHD. Get past the generic list of symptoms and see how it is affecting people in real life through personal stories. We are not here to inform you, we are here to engage you.