(This will contain language inappropriate for children)
The question of, do any of us believe that our ADHD contributed to
relationship failure??? I feel like I want to still share my experience with that, in
some way, because I think it's helpful when we can identify with one
another, and to also be able to identify the reasons that our ADHD may
have contributed in such an adverse way. Without a doubt, it was my
extremely low self-esteem. Besides the myriad of things that contributed
towards my being helplessly shy, in my formative years, the feelings of
failure, associated with ADHD, only made things worse in that way, for
me.
I recall that my nephew kept urging me to see a psych, he felt that
I needed something for depression. When I told him I'd been diagnosed
with aDHD, he said, "Well, I think it's not that, I think you are
depressed." What he didn't understand, and I had to explain, to him,
was that the many failures, at accomplishing ordinary tasks, had been a
huge part of my low self-esteem... not just in my own disappointment,
within myself, but the response from others, when I did not meet their
expectation, and their somewhat undeserving criticism and judgement, was
enough to sometimes wish that I was dead. Stupid, lazy, disorganized,
messy, annoying, silly, marches to the beat of a different drummer,
noisy, clumsy, obnoxious, ask too many questions, can't sit still in my
seat, like-a-bull-in-a-china-cabinet, desperately wanna be understood
kinda person, Even into adulthood... even today... I sometimes can still
feel the same energy coming from certain family members, giving me the
distinct impression that they still feel this same way about me. It
has to do with the attention. or lack thereof, that they give me when
I'm speaking, the amount of trust they put into my words, regarding my
knowledge on just about anything... the tone of their voice... and
really, no real respect for me as a person, and the choices I make on
many things, which goes against the grain of my southern, highly
conservative, and fundamentalist upbringing. .
To constantly feel as
though I am always... always... trying to prove myself, in the hopes of
approval... gets to be a bit taxing! So, going out into the world with
no self esteem, and shy from the git-go... not trusting my own
instincts, I was like a beacon for men who could sense my vulnerability.
Damaged men, who would always be victims of their own sad past, never
being able to rise above. Drug addicts and alcoholics... with entire
families this way. It would be my fault, in the end, because I would
see the red light warnings, but thought that paying attention to those
warnings was being judgmental and non-compassionate of their
shortcomings, which I fully understood was a result of their past
misfortunes. I would give these relationships my very best shot, taking
the mental and verbal abuse, thinking that I had to, or else I wasn't
genuine... until I began mimicking their destructive behaviors... if
they slapped me, I slapped them... I drank much more than I probably
would have, had I been with a non-alcoholic type... not only because I
was with them, but to numb the pain of my own horrible existence...
consumed with the fear of taking that leap of faith, that would set me
free from those abusive patterns... and fearing that my life was ruined,
who'd want me now, may as well stay with the messed up ones... sigh.
in the end, it was always me who left, just as it was my fault that I
ended up in those places. Once they didn't, eventually, magically turn
into who I thought they should or could be, I'd bail. Yes, like some
have shared, I would get bored.
Very fine line identifying the
boundaries between the sort of wild and wacky energies that are damaging
vs the sort of high energies that would engage and keep one entertained
in a wholesome way In 2004 I made the decision that I was no longer
going to take verbal abuse... not even a "fuck you!: ... (sorry for that
word)... I lost him, when I took my ring off and cried, "I can't do
this anymore!" I lost him good, too... because he shot himself... dead.
Not my fault, of course, but it took a while to overcome the guilt of
that... and stop thinking about all the what if's... and wanting him
back, even thinking that I should have not taken the ring off over
something like that... but, you see, it had to do with so much more than
a simple, "fuck you!:" ... it had to do with a decision to change my
life, to demand respect, and accept nothing less than. It really depends
on just what one has had to deal with, and for how long, for that small
thing, of taking my ring off and demanding respect, to be of so much
importance. And the last few times one of my family members yelled at me
or had an otherwise disrespectful tone of voice, I opted out of the
drama by giving silence. I'm learning to become detached from other's
expectations... as much as possible... yet I can be my own worst enemy,
when it comes to accepting my own faults. So, yes! I am certain that my
ADHD has contributed to my many failed relationships. I'm so much wiser
now... but I'm still so alone...
(ouradhdstory shares thoughts and feels from others and do not necessarily represent our own. Would you like to share your ADHD story? Please e-mail us at lles86@hotmail.com)
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